The Only Thing I Learned in Chemistry Class

Alright, alright, I know I promised another post in a few days and it’s been like two weeks. I think that at this point we all know I have terrible commitment issues. I’m working on it. Moving right along…

If you’re a student, or have any students in your life and are on any social media platforms that involve memes, you probably know that Finals Season is upon us. And for most of us, finals season brings Christmas break and the various gatherings with friends and family associated with it. Some of these gatherings are great, and others… not so much. I mean, there’s only so many conversations you can have with your horribly racist uncle or times your aunts can ask you the question “so, still single, huh?” before you feel like stripping naked and walking into the frozen woods to await the sweet release of death.

Now, I will admit that I only ever retained one thing from all the chemistry courses I had to take as part of my degree, but it’s come in handy in many situations like these. That thing is this: alcohol is technically a solution. I’m pretty sure people have been using this knowledge for centuries to get through the holidays, and while I see no reason to change that now, why not dress the alcohol up a little bit? It is Christmas, after all.

With that in mind, a couple of weekends ago I conscripted my roommate, Jacquelyn, to help me test some festive holiday cocktails we found on pinterest. Some were good and some were not so good, but all of them will get you feeling considerably more festive and full of cheer.

Now, I’d like to preface this with a couple of things: no, we did not technically have all of the required ingredients and had to improvise is a couple places. Yes, we served them all in the same mason jars because we don’t have any of the martini glasses or whatever the hell fancy people serve their booze in. Yes, I took all these pictures with my shitty iPhone camera. If you expected this to be one of those well thought-out blogs where everything is meticulously planned and tested and photographed, then you have been horribly misinformed, and I apologize. It’s all downhill from here.

Red Wine Hot Chocolate (serves 2)

Red Wine Hot Chocolate

The first drink we tried was the red wine hot chocolate. I’ll be honest: the recipe we found online was terrible. It was bad enough that I’m not even going to link to it; we ended up scrapping it and making up our second attempt as we went along.


  • 3/4 cup evaporated milk
  • 3/4 cup milk (we used 2%)
  • 1/3 cup milk chocolate chips
  • 1 tsp vanilla (we didn’t really measure so I can’t actually tell you whether or not that’s an accurate measurement)
  • 1 cup red wine
  • As many marshmallows as you want, really. Two, the whole bag, we’re not here to judge.


Heat the milk, evaporated milk, and chocolate in a saucepan over medium heat until the chocolate is melted. Stir continually, because if you have to clean burned chocolate out of the bottom of the pan it’ll really ruin your night. Remove from heat and stir in the wine and the vanilla. Pour into two mugs and serve with marshmallows.

The Verdict:

Neither Jac nor I are red wine people, so this one wasn’t exactly the favourite. If you’re a big fan of wines that taste like dirt you’ll probably like it a little more. Also, a caution: apparently you absorb warm alcohol a lot faster than anything else, so maybe sip, don’t chug.

Two marshmallows out of five.


Jingle Juice (serves an unknown number of people)

Original recipe here.

Jingle Juice

This one is really fizzy and cute, and the recipe makes a lot of it. It’d be a pretty good thing to put in a punch bowl at a party, or in a camelbak under your coat while tobogganing with your little cousins. We had to make a couple deviations from the original recipe, because the grocery store closest to where we live doesn’t have much of a selection of anything and we weren’t driving around town in a snowstorm just for a blog post:


  • 1/2 bottle vanilla vodka
  • 1/2 bottle moscato rosè
  • 3 small cans Canada Dry pommegranate-cherry club soda (I say small cans because I don’t know if they even have the regular 355ml size in this flavour)


Dump everything into a punch bowl or nice pitcher (or your camelbak). Stir and serve. It’s that easy.

The Verdict:

Even though we didn’t even really make the same drink as the original recipe, this one was pretty good. Honestly, it doesn’t even really taste like booze. Use wisely, because I can’t guaruntee that it’ll taste as good coming back up as it did going down.

Four and a half jingle bells out of five.


The Grinch Cocktail (serves 1)

Original recipe here.


This one is green. The original recipe used simple syrup and sugar crystals to garnish the rim of the glass; we didn’t, because ain’t nobody got time for that.


  • 1/2 oz white rum
  • 1/2 oz peppermint vodka
  • Sprite
  • 1 drop green food colouring


Again, dump everything together in a glass and stir. If you don’t know how to mix a drink at this point, maybe you should close this window and come back when you’ve reached legal drinking age.

The Verdict:

Honestly, it just tasted like cold fizzy mouth wash. If that’s your thing then more power to you, but it wasn’t really a favourite here.

One and a half grinch trees out of five.


White Chocolate Snowflake Martini (serves 1)

Original recipe here.

White Chocolate Snowflake Martini

There’s enough alcohol in this one that I’m pretty sure it’d be against some kind of gaming and liquor laws to serve it here in alberta, and we didn’t even have some of the booze that goes into it. Our recipe used the following:


  • 2 oz vanilla vodka
  • 2 oz white chocolate liqeur
  • 1 oz half and half


Put everything in a martini shaker full of ice. Shake well and serve.

The Verdict:

 I LOVED this one, I don’t think Jac liked it quite as much. It’s delicious, but it will absolutely mess you up, so drink some water with it.

It’s a full five snowflakes out of five from me.


So, this post was a little long, but I kind of owed you guys some content. I do have another post in the works and am aiming to have that up by Wednesday evening. I’m not going to make any promises, though, because I think we all know how that’ll end.

Enjoy the recipes, and for fuck’s sake, drink responsibly. Save your family and friends the heartache, and all my cop friends the paperwork, and call a cab.




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